Welcome to 2019. This is a year for the lesser explored aspects of Eating Disorders to be shared. This is the time to shatter the myths and stereotypes and give voice to topics and issues that are at the heart of the illness, are difficult to talk about, or that you’ve never even thought of. We will enter into taboo areas of our lives, while still staying within the safe space guidelines. I never thought this blog would be easy, or comfortable, or tidy. And yet I never could have imagined the courage and vulnerability of this community and the willingness to share the deepest parts of ourselves.
This week Fred writes about the fear of body judgement in a sexual encounter. Upon reading that sentence I can picture the faces of readers cringing. This piece is not about sex. It is about how our own fear of judgement interferes with our ability to be truly open with others; our ability to give of ourselves freely.
Take care of yourself and remember to nourish your body, mind, and spirit.
Your blog Moderator
ps. I apologize to Fred for not posting this sooner. I humbly admit that I thought I had already posted it, and that instead it fell through the cracks. I’m sorry.
In the Bedroom
From an eating disorder perspective, I suffer from an eating disorder. Body image is a big one for me. In the bedroom, I struggle — against myself, another man. I am vulnerable in the bedroom. I can’t fully take off my clothes. I can’t be completely naked.
I hate my body.
I don’t like the way my body looks. I go around this issue by never removing my top. In the bedroom, with sex in mind, I feel helpless if I take off my top. I’m scared of what the other guy will think of me. Without my clothes, I look like an ogre.
Removing my pants or shorts and then quickly adjusting my underwear is what I do to stay safe. In the bedroom, thinking of sex, I have rules. These are clothes rules.
The textile relationship described here is tied to my eating disorder. There is something about eating disorders that ties them to body image. Not all eating disorders are the same. For me, body image in the bedroom, thinking through and having sex, is scary. My eating disorder and all of its symptoms and body image revolve around men and how they see me. I am tender around men.
Letting go of my tops, or my socks, underwear, and so on, is something I do at the beach. At and around the beach, I accept that I am hairy and different.
My goal this summer is to imagine the beach and surroundings in my bedroom. I’m tired of hiding. I want to let go of my fear of being naked, just like I remove most of my clothes at the beach.
Work published on this blog is property of the writer/artist. Content is edited and approved by the moderator. This blog is not a substitute for medical advice. Please see your health practitioner if you have concerns about yourself or your recovery.
If you would like to share your stories, writings, and art, please email Kmccarthy@Sheenasplace.org
If you or someone in your life is struggling with an Eating Disorder, you can contact the National Eating Disorder Information Centre (NEDIC) at nedic.ca
For information or to register for groups at Sheena's Place, please visit www.sheenasplace.org