In the Bedroom
From an eating disorder perspective, I suffer from an eating disorder. Body image is a big one for me. In the bedroom, I struggle — against myself, another man. I am vulnerable in the bedroom. I can’t fully take off my clothes. I can’t be completely naked.
I hate my body.
I don’t like the way my body looks. I go around this issue by never removing my top. In the bedroom, with sex in mind, I feel helpless if I take off my top. I’m scared of what the other guy will think of me. Without my clothes, I look like an ogre.
Removing my pants or shorts and then quickly adjusting my underwear is what I do to stay safe. In the bedroom, thinking of sex, I have rules. These are clothes rules.
The textile relationship described here is tied to my eating disorder. There is something about eating disorders that ties them to body image. Not all eating disorders are the same. For me, body image in the bedroom, thinking through and having sex, is scary. My eating disorder and all of its symptoms and body image revolve around men and how they see me. I am tender around men.
Letting go of my tops, or my socks, underwear, and so on, is something I do at the beach. At and around the beach, I accept that I am hairy and different.
My goal this summer is to imagine the beach and surroundings in my bedroom. I’m tired of hiding. I want to let go of my fear of being naked, just like I remove most of my clothes at the beach.
If you would like to share your story, or other writings or art, please email your submission to Kmccarthy@sheenasplace.org
If you or someone in your life is struggling with an Eating Disorder, you can contact the National Eating Disorder Information Centre (NEDIC) at http://nedic.ca/
If you would like more information or to register for groups, visit Sheena's Place website at www.sheenasplace.org