Monday, December 3, 2018
WALKING THE FOOTSTEPS TOWARDS RECOVERY:
I am sitting here in front of a blank Word Document, ready to start writing. I am not quite sure how to get started. I am approaching a journey in my life that could be extremely treacherous. Although I am not quite sure how to use words to describe what I wish, I am mapping out my own individual healing journey. I am approaching myself as a person whose been wounded by her eating disorder. It is difficult to understand my thoughts and emotions as they arise. Even my sensations, as I feel them inside my body, leave me not knowing anymore what to feel. Is it more important to detach myself from my own self as a writer? I wish to reach out to others. I have similar concerns than others about food, body image issues and psychological problems related to eating disorders. Who am I writing for? Is writing for an audience an area that I need to be sensitive about? Sometimes, being spontaneous with regard to my writing is the most effective way to start.
It is tough to begin a piece like this in the present moment. It makes writing interesting. When understanding sensations in my body set the pace for wishing for a smoother recovery. What is it that I wish to write about for Sheena's Place? My intentions differ so much from what I feel ready to discuss at this given moment. Today may not be an appropriate time to discuss what I have hoped to. I am simply getting my feet wet. Sometimes it takes getting started by writing in simple language what I would like to introduce to my readers to. As part of my journey towards recovery, I wish to write what can be an asset to others. We are all coming from separate places and points of view. Is there enough space in this written piece to delve into my experiences? It may be helpful for others to learn what is happens while trying to be creative. Maybe as a writer I am finding a need to unwind with my work, and go with the flow. Finding a focal point to start writing about recovery, related issues and self-compassion may need sometimes my gradually getting acquainted with a topic that is meaningful. It becomes like a winding road. Which is the way to go? I truthfully wish to embrace my own sense of self-compassion. Depending on the day, it is not always accessible to endure loving feelings towards myself. At times, our senses of self-compassion become muddled up by our negative emotions. Sometimes they interfere with our abilities to feel safe and trusting within ourselves.
I have suffered from many years from a mental illness. It has been difficult to feel better a lot of the time. My illness is complicated. It has left me missing so many experiences. I am having consequences from many missed opportunities. My eating disorder is what has triggered for me a chain reaction of many symptoms. Without getting lost in trying to explain as a fourteen year old, my truth was only beginning to be revealed. It seemed that my symptoms developed into greater disturbances. It was extremely difficult to diagnose me. Understanding the environmental factors that interfered made my situation sometimes overbearingly complex. It is a long story. Telling it in detail would take more than a book length autobiography. The most I can share at this point, is that my eating disorder kept flaring up for many years. It wasn't the point that at fifty I swallowed my pride. I gave it up. It was my anorexia that I gave up on. I was almost in an all or nothing trap. It wasn't helping me. I didn't have the skills to utilize. I wasn't learning how to interrupt symptoms. Sometimes it was a nightmare for me. Developing Type Two Diabetes and feeling blamed for this was too much. I self-blamed. My body image almost prevented me from walking down the street. A lot of what I went through led me to social anxiety disorder and agoraphobia. It may have been necessary from my psychiatrist's point of view to ignore my Eating Disorder symptoms. I gradually stopped my struggle to be a certain way. I did partially over time, make improvements. It wasn't right for me to keep being on medications that caused side effects. They triggered the diabetes that was a handful to accept and deal with.
Here I am as a writer, wishing to tell my story. I am feeling wounded beyond what I am able to handle at this point. My psychiatrist achieved in his own ways results that were appropriate. I am diabetic. I had some near life and death situations with my sugar level. My family doctor does not put pressure on me. It is a tough illness to manage. For now I have reached a bit of a happy medium. My body image is improving.
I had previously seen a professional in the field of eating disorders for five years. I think of ways I could still change further. I am an x-dieter. It would be appropriate for me in kinder ways to learn to be friend with myself. No rush for January 2019. I am trying to understand self-compassion and what it means to be connected to Sheena's Place again. I am feeling excited about my writing for this Blog.
Now that I've already began getting my feet wet, I think there are many ways I can help myself be the compassionate person I am in many ways. I have read many books on Compassion-Focused Therapy. As I write this piece I am visualizing many avenues to heal myself from my longstanding eating disorder and other areas of my life. I do feel empowered by sharing this story. Recovery and eventual classes that I hope to endeavour in at Sheena's may gradually feel like I am becoming at ease with myself. Sometimes it becomes too much. Life isoverwhelming. Medication reactions are tough. Maybe working with someone who could help me at this stagewould offer me some guidance. For now writing through some of my pain may help myself.
Writing this piece feels like some doors are opening up to me. I would strongly like to go deeper into areas that bring me hope and meaning. This is a beginning writing attempt. When someone is suffering from an eating disorder, it is hard to differentiate from the reality that of what it is. It is not always the best option to be non-accepting of an eating disorder needing to be ignored. When my psychiatrist was only checking my blood work and he wasn't specialized in treating me for anorexia, I was devastated and depressed. I was a patient crying for help. I needed help. It is too much looking back. Realizing the wounds that I kept tolerating were growing as suffering I could not explain. At times I did take drastic measures as means of seeking attention. I wasn't helped or heard during this time. I was misunderstood and hurting. I wanted to be cared about and loved. I am getting grounded. There is a continuation to this piece. My overall recovery is feeling hopeful. I am optimistic that whoever readers I connect with understand that there is a kernel of truth in wanting to be understood and needing to be heard. Whatever is soothing and comforting in helping ourselves accept ourselves and what sometimes is unacceptable, there's a way to get started. Here is my first step.
If you would like to share your story, or other writings or art, please email your submission to Kmccarthy@sheenasplace.org
If you or someone in your life is struggling with an Eating Disorder, you can contact the National Eating Disorder Information Centre (NEDIC) at http://nedic.ca/
If you would like more information or to register for groups, visit Sheena's Place website at www.sheenasplace.org